(a quick disclaimer - i don't want this blog to turn into a thought-processing machine, this post, hopefully, is one of a kind. i also wrote it yesterday and i contemplated whether i should post it or not, but since this is my blog i thought i would. maybe someone would relate to my feelings?
also here's a link to a small music playlist, it's this woman named Domenique Dumont and i truly enjoy all of her music, thought i'd share that https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLuaoGKYca7L-v9FBXPPZCCmFkyB0YiEhs )
so lately i've been feeling very out of myself, as if i'm coming to the same stage in my life like when i was 18, always sitting in my room with closed doors, spending days and days not doing anything or doing too much at night and then not getting enough of sleep.
it's very hard for me to sleep and it's even harder if i go to bed later than 2-3am, well, i wouldn't call it harder but rather impossible - i just vegetate until 5 to 6am and fall asleep for a couple of hours.
this regime has been rough on my body, i've been getting into these 'manic' states where i feel so much joy and then so much sadness, i'd procrastinate the whole day doing absolutely nothing (and i mean that) and then i would do everything i possibly could in a day.
i also started feeling worthless, like i'm not doing enough for my mind, i'm not reading enough, i'm not learning enough.
i'm going back to vilnius on tuesday and i'm completely frightened. i should be excited about finally getting back with my boyfriend after 3 weeks of not seeing him and meeting my friends and actually doing something more interesting than going to a shop and calling it a day.
also in a few weeks i'm flying to paris and i'm afraid of that, i've just realized how afraid i am of any type of change, no matter how small, it just scares the hell out of me. and i don't even know what i'm afraid of because i'm sure in this trip i'm going to make a lot of significant memories, memories from my youth years. why am i talking like a 60 year old? oh, yeah, because i probably am and those wrinkles under my eyes don't really help.
the main problem i feel like is the fact that i don't want to leave my home. i just really love it here, it doesn't matter if i'm currently wasting so much time i could've probably learnt a new language or just gained a new skill. i just love how consistent my life is right now, how simple everything is, how much i feel like i'm finally a kid again. i even love doing chores, yeah, it's that bad.
i just really really really don't want to grow up, i guess that's the case. because with every week spent here i understand that it's one week less i can spend here. of course i'll always be welcome here but it will never be the same, let's say next year. next year i'll most likely work in a proper job and will come back once a month for a few days. and of course that's the same with the whole next year.
now i realized how many 'it will probably''s i've actually written. my mom once told me that i think about the future way too much, i overthink and i make it look worse. i guess that's the case right now. but it's currently 3am, the first day of august 2016 and i can't sleep. i hope i will fall asleep after i turn off my phone.
also here's a link to a small music playlist, it's this woman named Domenique Dumont and i truly enjoy all of her music, thought i'd share that https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLuaoGKYca7L-v9FBXPPZCCmFkyB0YiEhs )
so lately i've been feeling very out of myself, as if i'm coming to the same stage in my life like when i was 18, always sitting in my room with closed doors, spending days and days not doing anything or doing too much at night and then not getting enough of sleep.
it's very hard for me to sleep and it's even harder if i go to bed later than 2-3am, well, i wouldn't call it harder but rather impossible - i just vegetate until 5 to 6am and fall asleep for a couple of hours.
this regime has been rough on my body, i've been getting into these 'manic' states where i feel so much joy and then so much sadness, i'd procrastinate the whole day doing absolutely nothing (and i mean that) and then i would do everything i possibly could in a day.
i also started feeling worthless, like i'm not doing enough for my mind, i'm not reading enough, i'm not learning enough.
i'm going back to vilnius on tuesday and i'm completely frightened. i should be excited about finally getting back with my boyfriend after 3 weeks of not seeing him and meeting my friends and actually doing something more interesting than going to a shop and calling it a day.
also in a few weeks i'm flying to paris and i'm afraid of that, i've just realized how afraid i am of any type of change, no matter how small, it just scares the hell out of me. and i don't even know what i'm afraid of because i'm sure in this trip i'm going to make a lot of significant memories, memories from my youth years. why am i talking like a 60 year old? oh, yeah, because i probably am and those wrinkles under my eyes don't really help.
the main problem i feel like is the fact that i don't want to leave my home. i just really love it here, it doesn't matter if i'm currently wasting so much time i could've probably learnt a new language or just gained a new skill. i just love how consistent my life is right now, how simple everything is, how much i feel like i'm finally a kid again. i even love doing chores, yeah, it's that bad.
i just really really really don't want to grow up, i guess that's the case. because with every week spent here i understand that it's one week less i can spend here. of course i'll always be welcome here but it will never be the same, let's say next year. next year i'll most likely work in a proper job and will come back once a month for a few days. and of course that's the same with the whole next year.
now i realized how many 'it will probably''s i've actually written. my mom once told me that i think about the future way too much, i overthink and i make it look worse. i guess that's the case right now. but it's currently 3am, the first day of august 2016 and i can't sleep. i hope i will fall asleep after i turn off my phone.
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